i have always been a weirdo. I realized that as early as second grade.
in parties there would be always be a game of "candy throwing". everybody would scramble to the closest position to the teacher to get the largest share of candy. it didn't matter if you get an elbow stuck in your eye, or you get shinned and stepped on, or you jostled somebody out of their position, as long as you got the goodies. i didn't like that, and since i cant get that much candy from afar, i felt i had to do something useful. instead of trying to get to the candy, i ambled to the outskirts of the whole circle of pandemonium and picked up candy wrappers and threw them in the trash can. everybody was scrambling for candy and there i was picking up their trash and disposing of them properly. nobody noticed, except maybe a few curious ones. but i was enjoying myself, i was doing something useful. they were all laughing and enjoying themsleves. it was weird that while i didn't join in the fun, i was happily quiet.

now i still do things that are helpful. nobody notices and i am comfortable that way, although, as it has been back then, there is, in my subconscious, the need to be recognized also. it seems though that, that was to be the pattern of the way i do things and the way that would people react to me. i have always been inconspicuous, almost invisible.

back in my juvenile days, late grade school or early high school i remembered crying over a piece i wrote down on my diary about how, if i die, people i know would feel something missing, that some things aren't getting done, but would never, not to save their lives, remember that i used to do them.

i can not shake off the feeling that i have always been somebody who might have been
a great big potentiality that never knew fulfillment.
this feeling is so frustrating but i should not dwell on it.
God indeed has a plan for me, but i would continue to be this "great might have been" if i dont start following and obeying Him. like I should

it's been a while since i have been here.
i've missed a lot these past few days, i have been sick with this weird flu yet not really a flu virus.
have to finish studying 14 more chapters in chem to pass, nay, to do better than past my finals on monday.
need to go to the mall to buy pants and stuff for my trip to Baguio for ocular for UJAR.
*sigh* so much to do .. so little time.... .
i think i may have already forgotten how to write